


Dolphin-Crapper

by patchfire, raving_liberal



Series: AKA Jonah [7]
Category: Glee
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Canon Jewish Character, Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, Kind Of A Date, Slantwise Discussion About Threesomes, Teenage Parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 03:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8312821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patchfire/pseuds/patchfire, https://archiveofourown.org/users/raving_liberal/pseuds/raving_liberal
Summary: To be clear, Puck does not plan to have sex with any number of dolphins.





	

Puck—and Joel—don’t wake up to a text message the next morning. Instead, Joel wakes Puck up by snuffling on his chest. Puck gives him a bottle, changes him, and then lies back down on the off chance that Joel will fall back asleep. It works, which means it’s mid-morning before Puck gets up for the day. He puts Joel in the Pack ‘N Play and takes a fast shower, then grabs his phone. 

He types out the text— _you didn’t mention the colic to Rachel did you?_ —and stares at it for a long time without sending it. It’s daytime now, but Puck still remembers the conversation with Kurt the night before, and his own internal response to it. 

Puck hadn’t been lying to Kurt at all. He’s still not sure if Finn’s really got a problem with the idea of two dudes together, or if it’s just about how other people are, and especially how other people are in Lima. It’s not a very big place, and until Finn can be sure he’s leaving Lima after McKinley, well, Puck doesn’t really blame him. 

The idea of dating _two_ people is more appealing than Puck would usually admit to anyone. Monogamy is supposed to be the thing to aim for or whatever, and Puck sort of gets that and sort of doesn’t. If Rachel makes some other part of Finn happy, but Finn’d want to be with Puck too, Puck’d be stupid not to consider that. And yeah, Rachel definitely could be annoying in glee club and at school in general, but Puck does remember the girl he played with at temple. It’s definitely not the worst idea in the world, not by a long shot. 

Puck stares at his phone for so long that Joel starts fussing, and Puck picks him up. “Sorry, little guy. I was trying to decide if I should send this text.” Joel’s arm flails and hits the phone. “You think so? Okay. Finn’s probably getting up soon, even.” He hits ‘send’, then pockets his phone and heads up the stairs with Joel. “You can help me hard-boil some eggs for breakfast.” 

He tries not to think about the text while he’s getting out eggs or toasting a bagel to have with it, and by the time he’s sitting down with his sliced-up hard-boiled egg and his cream cheese-covered bagel, he’s forgotten about the text enough to jump when the reply from Finn makes his phone chime. 

Puck sets the bagel down on his plate and pulls the phone out of his pocket, suddenly aware he’s being ridiculous given the actual content of the text, and that makes it easier to open it and read. 

_I dont really understand what colic is so no_

Puck stifles a laugh. “Your godfather doesn’t know what colic is, little guy.” Puck eats a few more bites and then puts Joel down in the activity seat thing that lives in a corner of the kitchen. “Think I should see if he and Rachel want to hang out? Or just Finn?” Joel kicks both legs. “Yeah, good idea. Finn first, and then if it seems like a good thing to do, we can invite Rachel over later.” 

_come over and give me an excuse to order pizza for lunch?_

_Do u need an excuse for pizza?_

_I might need one for wings_ Puck sends back. 

_Order extra! Omw!_

Puck laughs and puts his phone away. “C’mon, Joel, let’s go in the living room. We can find the worst of daytime TV to make fun of or something.” It takes about ten minutes for Finn to get there, which gives Puck time to move the activity seat and turn on the TV, which he leaves on a show that apparently involves various guests. Maybe it’s even that Toledo thing where Kurt saw the sleep segment. When he hears a knock, he stands up and goes to open the door. 

“Hey,” Puck says. 

“Hey,” Finn says. “How’s it going? With, you know, Jonah and stuff?”

“He tried to send the first text this morning. Hit the phone with his hand and everything,” Puck says. 

“Aww. He wanted to say hi to me!”

“You _are_ his godfather. And we left the basement door cracked last night,” Puck adds. 

Finn winces. “Uh oh. Did Jonah wake everybody up with his mighty screaminating?”

Puck laughs and steps back so Finn can come in, then shuts the door. “If he woke up Burt, I didn’t hear about it. Kurt, yes.” 

“What did he say?”

“He came downstairs. First he asked why I hadn’t taken him to the doctor,” Puck says, laughing again as they sit down in the living room. “Later on, he suggested alcohol on his gums. I swear, he gets all his knowledge about kids from TV and the _Little House_ books.” 

“I would have guessed Kurt would have looked up all the baby stuff online, so he could be the person who knows the most about it,” Finn says.

“I think it has to do with the whole ‘definitely not dating any single fathers’ thing,” Puck says. “Which he said again last night.” 

“It’s good he doesn’t want to date you, though, right?” Finn asks. “Since you’re living together.”

“Yeah, that would have been even weirder than having a brand-new brother,” Puck says. “He did say he’s over you, at least.” 

Finn exhales loudly. “Good. Okay. Yeah, that’s good.”

“Yeah. I mean, he had an idea of you. Didn’t really know you.” 

“Guess I don’t live up to the fantasy, huh?”

“You would have never made it through the Weekend of Weird Cheese, and you know it,” Puck says. “Plus you know he would have wanted to go through your closet.” 

“I don’t even have that much stuff in my closet, dude. It’s like two pairs of dress pants that don’t fit and a white button-up and my varsity jacket,” Finn says. “And I don’t think I would’ve made it through one _day_ of weird cheese.”

“See? Kurt did give me a good idea, though.” 

“A cheese idea?”

“Cheese-free. Dating two people,” Puck says. 

Finn’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “Like, at the same time?”

“Yeah. Not like cheating!” Puck says quickly. “Like everyone dating everyone.” 

“Oh. Wow! Uh… so you think you can find two girls who’ll go for that?” Finn asks. 

“Uh.” Puck looks over at Joel, resisting the urge to ask Joel why he hadn’t asked Puck the important questions, like how being upfront about the dating-two-people thing would keep the bisexual thing from being an issue yet. “Two people, maybe.” 

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Two.”

“Two people,” Puck repeats.

“Two,” Finn says. “I’m not messing up and saying three when I think I’m saying two, right?”

“No, you said two,” Puck assures him. “You didn’t say ‘people’.” 

Finn laughs. “What, are you gonna date dolphins or something?”

“Oh my—no,” Puck says. “Think about it.” 

“Monkeys?”

“Okay, no. What did _you_ say?” 

“Monkeys. Before that, I said dolphins,” Finn says.

“Before _that_.” 

“Two girls.”

“Right. And I said people.” Puck looks back at Finn, raising his eyebrows. 

“Two— _ohhhhh_!” Finn’s eyes widen. “Like, _people_. Like not just girls! Like, you know, like also _not_ -girls.”

“Yeah. People,” Puck says with a shrug.

“Okay. People. Whoa.” Finn shakes his head. “Not dolphins. That makes more sense, it not being dolphins.”

“There are _no_ dolphins in Lima, dude,” Puck says. 

“I figured you’d have to go out of town for dates.”

“Baby-sitting’d be killer,” Puck says with a laugh. “But no. Two people.” 

“Wow. Uh, cool, I guess?” Finn says, smiling with about half his mouth. The other half just looks confused still. 

“Like you said, I have to find two people who’d go for it. All theoretical. Just not a bad idea,” Puck says. 

“Right. Yeah. Wow,” Finn says. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to spring everything on you,” Puck says, because Finn looks and sounds pretty stunned. 

“No. It’s cool, it’s fine, I’m just a little, you know, surprised!” Finn says. 

“I probably—no, I know I should have told you sooner,” Puck says. “It wasn’t on purpose. It was a ‘maybe’ thing for awhile, you know? And then by the time I was sure…” 

“Quinn was pregnant and we weren’t really talking?” Finn offers. 

“Yeah, basically,” Puck says. “And then it seemed not really as important as other stuff, right after he was born.” He nods towards Joel. 

“Well, it’s not like you’re running out to get a boyfriend and a girlfriend,” Finn says. 

“I wasn’t. Wouldn’t turn it down, though,” Puck says, managing not to laugh. 

“If I meet any cute dolphins, I’ll get ‘em your number,” Finn says, straight-faced. 

“Aww, you want me to date,” Puck says teasingly. 

Finn groans. “Again? That’s totally not what I said!”

“You _don’t_ want me to date?” Puck says as seriously as he can. “You think I’m a bad parent if I date? Is that it?” 

“I think you’re probably a bad parent if you date dolphins, dude, and that’s all I’m gonna say about it!”

Puck laughs, rolling onto his back in the floor. “Are you pleading the fifth?” 

“Exactly,” Finn says. He gives Puck’s shin a light kick. “Dolphin-fucker.”

“Dude!” Puck says. “Not in front of the baby!” 

“You don’t want him to know about the dolphin thing?”

“The _language_. I’ve mostly managed,” Puck says. “I mean, y’know, there’s always ‘crap’ and stuff.” 

“Dolphin-crapper,” Finn says, then almost chokes as he tries to unsuccessfully hold back his laughter. 

“ _Dude_!” Puck says. “No one craps dolphins!” 

“No, you do, you _do_!” Finn says, falling back onto the floor with one hand pressed over his face as he laughs even harder. 

“Maybe _you_ do!” Puck says. The two of them keep laughing, and Puck sighs after a few more moments. “Man, I missed this.” 

“Yeah,” Finn says. “Me, too, man. Me, too.”

Joel squeals from his seat, and Puck laughs again. “You weren’t around before to miss it, little guy.” 

“You know, he a little bit sounds like a dolphin. Are we totally sure that Quinn isn’t part dolphin?” Finn asks. 

“Oh geez,” Puck says, shaking his head rapidly. “First of all, aren’t dolphins born tail first?” 

“How would I know that? How many dolphins have I seen being born, dude?”

“Haven’t you ever watched one of the… oh, I watched it with Chloe. ‘Cause they can’t breathe until they’re completely born.” 

“Oh that’s cool,” Finn says. “Because of their blowholes or whatever?”

“Yeah. But I guarantee Joel came out headfirst.” 

“I never asked, but… it was gross, right?” 

“It wasn’t miraculous,” Puck says. “I shouldn’t’ve looked.” 

“Nobody took pictures, though, so there’s that at least,” Finn says. 

Puck half-sits up. “Was someone going to?” 

“My mom has pictures, dude. My dad took them, I guess. I’ve seen them.” Finn shakes his head. “Scarred for life.”

“You don’t think Quinn wanted pictures, do you?” Puck knows he’s probably making a really weird face. 

Finn shrugs. “I mean, she didn’t even come back to school. I think she’s probably happier forgetting all of it.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought too, but, man. Birth pictures.” Puck shakes his head. “That’s crazy. I didn’t… I didn’t even really hold him at first.” 

“You’re definitely making up for it now, though.”

“I was kinda mad,” Puck admits. “He was supposed to be a girl, and everything was decided, even if I wasn’t super-happy about the decisions.” 

“But you’re not mad now, right? It’s pretty good?” Finn asks. 

“No, I just feel kinda bad I was at first, you know? He’s pretty great. Except for the colic.” 

“Nobody’s perfect.”

“Maybe you had colic,” Puck says thoughtfully. “And it becomes sleep-talking.” 

“I don’t sleep talk!” Finn insists. 

“You do so sleep talk,” Puck says. “I’d know.” 

“No I don’t!”

“Dude, I know better than anyone else in the world if you sleep talk or not. And you do.” 

“Well, what do I say?” Finn asks.

“It’s not, like, prophecies or anything. Once you thought I was Carole and you told me you really had done all of your homework _and_ washed the car.” 

“Do you think I really had done it?” 

“I’ve never seen you wash the car, and why would you have done all of your homework in eighth grade? No one collected it. No way you did both in the same day.” 

Finn frowns. “So you’re saying I’m a sleep liar.”

“I think you’re a sleep impresser. You really wanted me-as-your-mom to agree to something.” 

“Is that the only interesting thing I ever said?” Finn asks. 

“A lot of football,” Puck says. “You really hate Tom Brady, for starters, but I knew that.” 

“Well, he’s a di—uh, a _jerk_ ,” Finn says, a little viciously, even with the self-interruption.

“Well, yeah. Oh, and once you talked about all these older players. Dwight Clark, Roger Staubach, Joe Namath. It was like you wanted to be an ESPN special.” 

“Hey, I would be a _great_ ESPN special!”

“I didn’t say you wouldn’t, but it was still pretty funny,” Puck says. “You should take a nap here so I can see what you say today.” 

“Can we eat something first?” Finn asks. “I always sleep better if I just ate something.”

“We can order those wings now,” Puck says. “And Joel can eat while we wait.” 

Puck decides that suggesting he, Finn, and Rachel all hang out the day after he comes out to Finn is a little too obvious, so he waits until two days later before he texts Finn. 

_You and Rachel want to come over tomorrow or meet somewhere?_

_Rachel says we should go to the park_

_Schoonover?_ Puck sends back. 

_Rachel says ok_

_How early are you up? Don’t want him to get sunburned like you_

_I dont get sunburned!_ Finn texts, and then, _I can be up early. 10?_

Puck laughs to himself. _yeah you do ESPN reporter. 10 is good._ He looks at Joel, who is relatively happy in the Pack ‘N Play for the moment. “We’re going to go see Finn and Rachel in the morning, little guy, so let’s try to sleep. Okay?” Joel kicks his legs, and Puck shakes his head. He’ll have to remember to find the stroller someone brought to the not-really-a-bris. Even Finn, as much as he likes holding Joel, probably doesn’t want to hold him all morning with nowhere to put him down. 

Joel doesn’t sleep that well, but it’s a little better than some nights, which gets Puck and Joel at the park about five minutes before ten. Puck takes advantage of the extra time to get the stroller unfolded and not look incompetent, but then Joel gets hungry, so he’s sitting on one of the benches when Finn and Rachel pull up. He pulls the bottle away long enough to wave, which makes Joel fuss, Rachel laugh, and Finn look a little concerned. 

“There you go,” Puck says as he gives Joel the bottle again. “No one’s taking your second breakfast away.” 

Even though Rachel’s legs are probably half the length of Finn’s, she somehow gets to Puck and Joel first. “Good morning! It’s so lovely, isn’t it? And Joel can get plenty of vitamin D!” 

Puck looks over at Finn, deliberately making eye contact, and he raises his eyebrows. “Vitamin D?” 

“You can’t give the baby vitamin D!” Finn says. 

“Vitamin D is essential for—oh!” Rachel stops and covers her mouth with one hand briefly. “Not _that_ , boys! The real vitamin D!” 

“I think he’s okay on that?” Puck says. “He’ll be done in a minute and we can walk around or something. Brought the stroller.” 

“Can I push it?” Finn asks. 

“Sure,” Puck says with a shrug. “Hand me the burp cloth though, would you?” 

“Oh, I know what that is,” Rachel says, looking moderately excited as she picks up the burp cloth from the stroller and hands it to Puck. Puck throws it over his shoulder after setting the bottle down. “Does he always spit up?” 

“Only if I forget the burp cloth,” Puck says. After Joel burps, Puck buckles him into the stroller, then looks at Finn and gestures towards the stroller. “All yours, dude.” 

“Yay!” Finn says, grabbing the stroller by the handle. 

“The manual said the tires are big so it can go on dirt and gravel or something, so we can go on any of the trails,” Puck says. 

“And I can tell you the news!” Rachel says. “Don’t you think, Finn? Or did you want to tell him?” 

“You can tell him. You’re the one that made it happen, babe,” Finn says. 

“What’s the news?” Puck asks somewhat suspiciously as they walk slowly. 

“I found the perfect job for you!” Rachel says, almost gushing. “It doesn’t start until school begins again, and I told Finn I think that’s bad, right? I was talking to the Bodners when my dads and I took them a casserole—Mrs. Bodner broke her arm, poor thing!—and they said they’d _love_ an afterschool babysitter who can go over math homework and Hebrew school assignments, too! Mr. Bodner even said he liked the idea of the kids getting to be around a baby!” 

“Aren’t there just two of them?” Puck asks, feeling alarmed. “Kids. Only two little Bodners, right?” 

“Oh, yes, I think he meant it was good for Samuel, too,” Rachel says. “Isn’t that perfect? I told Finn on the way here, I was so excited.” 

“Do they want me to cook or anything? Finn’ll tell you, I make a pretty good meatloaf, but not much variety,” Puck says. 

Finn nods vigorously. “He makes a really good meatleaf. I know you don’t eat meat, but trust me. It’s good.”

“And for your dairy meals, there’s creamed spinach,” Puck says, a little grandiosely. It’d be a mess if Rachel realized about the kosher thing and Kurt. “Scalloped potatoes, too.” 

“Oh!” Rachel says. “I had no idea. What else?” 

“Um, not much else,” Puck admits. “Can you think of anything else, Finn? I mean, besides Kraft.” 

“Salad?” Finn suggests. “You made that one salad one time, remember? When Mom was sick and we were supposed to bring a dish to that thing.”

“Oh, yeah. I can slice raw vegetables,” Puck says to Rachel. 

“Maybe I can negotiate a higher rate or a bonus on the days that you prepare a meal,” Rachel says. “It’s like I’m your agent!” 

“See if you can get us a gig playing somewhere, then,” Puck says with a glance at Finn. 

“That would be so cool,” Finn says. 

“Probably not in Lima,” Rachel says somewhat apologetically. “The Lima Bean has that big sign up about how they no longer do live shows. Of course, it’s dated 2001, so I have no idea why!”

“I bet it was Mr. Schue. Can’t you see it?” Puck asks. 

Finn looks like he’s on the verge of dying from excitement. “Oh my god, yeah! I bet it was!”

“What do you think he tried to sing?” 

“Maybe it was an impromptu memorial,” Rachel says, looking torn between laughing and scolding. 

“Maybe it was Journey!” Finn says. 

“What’s a Journey song we _haven’t_ done for glee club?” Puck asks. “Oh, man. ‘Lights’, maybe?” 

Finn laughs hard. “Oh man, he so would!”

“Oh that’s horrible!” Rachel says before dissolving into laughter. “Oh, no, Mr. Schuester!” 

Joel makes a noise in the stroller, and Puck stops his own laughter for a second. “Is he laughing?” 

Finn ducks around the side of the stroller. “He looks like he is.”

“He knows to laugh at Schue,” Puck says, laughing harder than before. “Yeah, that’s right, little guy.” 

“You can’t let him laugh at Mr. Schuester to his face!” Rachel says. 

“He’s a baby!” Finn protests. “He can laugh in anybody’s face he wants.”

“Even when he’s a toddler,” Puck says, nodding. “Smart kid.” 

“But—” Rachel stops and sighs, shaking her head. “Well, he is young.” 

“And he’s so cute, yes he is,” Finn coos at Joel. 

Joel laughs again. “We should figure out what else makes him laugh,” Puck says. “We can’t always make fun of Schuester.” 

“ _I Love Lucy_ reruns?” Rachel guesses. 

“Nah, just tickle the bottoms of his feet,” Finn says. “That works on Puck.”

“You can’t just _tell_ people that!” Puck says. 

“Why not? It’s true.”

“Uh, they might try to tickle me?” Puck points out. 

Finn’s face scrunches up. “Who’s gonna tickle you?”

“Rachel?” Puck points at Rachel, who is laughing again. 

“Hey! Hands off the Puck,” Finn says to Rachel. 

“I can’t ever tickle him?” Rachel asks, looking mildly disappointed. 

“Aww,” Finn says. “Okay. Probably a little.”

“Traitor!” Puck says as dramatically as he can. 

“What?” Finn asks. 

“Now you’ve given away the key to my defenses,” Puck says with a sigh. “And you know she won’t promise not to use the knowledge.” 

Rachel shakes her head. “I’ll take full advantage of my insider information.” 

“Uh oh, you’re in trouble, Puck,” Finn says. 

Joel starts laughing again before Puck can respond, and that makes Puck laugh. “Yeah,” he finally says. “I probably am.” 

 

After everyone, including Joel, is tired of the park, they go get ice cream and walk around the four or five blocks that make up downtown Lima. When Joel starts fussing and acting ready for a nap, Rachel suggests they all go back to her house. Somehow that leads to euchre with one of her dads while Joel naps, followed by dinner. Puck’s relieved when he realizes that Rachel’s the only vegan in the Berry household.

Joel is definitely exhausted when they head back, and Puck talks to him most of the drive, in case it keeps him awake for a last diaper change. “In the morning, you can have a bath, okay?” Puck says. “And maybe we’ll go to Ray’s.” 

It might not be the talking, but Joel is still awake when Puck carries him in. Burt is in the living room, and Puck waves as he walks through to the kitchen. 

“Hey,” Puck says to Kurt. 

“Why, hello!” Kurt says. “You had a long day today.”

“Yeah, we stayed out awhile, didn’t we, little guy?” Joel lifts his head a little, then returns to mouthing at Puck’s shoulder. “After we got ice cream, we over to Rachel’s.” 

“And you had a nice time?” Kurt asks. 

“Luckily Rachel’s the only vegan there,” Puck says, digging in the refrigerator for another bottle. 

“Though I imagine that does make keeping kosher much easier for them,” Kurt says. “What did you eat?”

“Chicken and a bunch of different vegetables,” Puck says as he reemerges from the refrigerator. “Rachel had some kind of fake chicken patty.” 

Kurt wrinkles his nose. “That sounds unpleasant. But you had fun?”

“Yeah,” Puck says. He puts the bottle in some water on the stove instead of trotting down to the bottle warmer. “Why?” 

“Just thinking back to our conversation a few nights ago.”

“I’m pretty sure neither of them were thinking about it like that,” Puck points out. 

“Only _pretty_ sure?” Kurt asks. 

“I didn’t ask,” Puck says dryly. “Should I worry about you inviting them over for dinner?” 

“Did I say anything about dinner?”

“You didn’t _say_ anything, but I know what that look means,” Puck says. He shifts Joel and offers him the now-warm bottle. “You’re scheming.” 

“I don’t scheme!” Kurt insists. 

“Dude. _Dude_ ,” Puck says. “Don’t pull that. We both know you do.” 

Kurt puts one hand to his chest with an over-the-top look of shock. “Noah Puckerman! How dare you say such a thing?”

Puck snorts. “You can tell you never had a sibling before.” 

“Oh?”

“Because that’s exactly how I dare,” Puck says, laughing. 

“I guess I still have to make my way up the learning curve,” Kurt concedes. “Still, isn’t meddling something siblings do?”

“So I was right, you are scheming,” Puck says smugly. 

“ _Meddling_. Not exactly the same thing.”

“Pretty close. Just… whatever you decide on, give me a _little_ warning, at least?” 

Kurt laughs. “Where’s the fun in that?”

“I’m in trouble, Joel,” Puck says to him, then looks up. “How about making sure it’s not too embarrassing?” 

“Okay. I can agree to that,” Kurt says. “I’m rooting for _good_ things for you and my adoptive nephew.”

“Adoptive?” Puck asks. 

Kurt’s face turns pink and he puts his hand up to his mouth like those women on the old-fashioned TV shows Puck’s Nana watched. “Oh! I wasn’t supposed to say anything!”

“Say anything about what?” Puck asks, feeling bewildered. 

Kurt just shakes his head. “No. I’m sorry. It has to wait for family dinner tomorrow night.”

“You can’t mention something and then expect me to wait almost twenty-four hours!” Puck says. “You’re the worst today.” 

“I have pie,” Kurt offers. 

Puck sighs. “What kind?” 

“Cherry?”

“You know that’s my favorite, huh? Fine. You’re not the worst,” Puck says. “But I’m keeping the option to revisit that opinion later.”


End file.
